Another pause...

 

Another week is over. Number six to be exact. I´ve been here about six weeks, and to Christina´s surprise I´m not yet tanner than her! I haven´t been going «suncrazy» or off to the beach all the time at all. It´s surprising also to me. Maybe it was enough with that incredible week in Greece with Ina that gave me the sun I needed for this winter..? Anyways, I´m tan enough and I would rather spend a day outside at a café overlooking the ocean and think about nothing. Write a little. Read some news online. Drink coffee and look at all the people walking by.

So – is the universe finally coming into place again after some weeks away? Is there cosmic order again? Am I finding God in this place?

Well, I wouldn´t give any easy answers, and nothing definite, but something is for sure happening. It is so slow and goes by so unnoticed, though, that it is hard to pinpoint what exactly is going on. But somehow something seems to be falling into place, something inside and something all around me. And maybe it´s not so much about me looking for God, but more about God finally finding me... Right here. Available. Open. Broken. Not expecting much of anything.

And the funny thing is that it´s not mainly about what I do. Then it´s probably more about what I´m not doing, not trying so hard to do everything right all the time. I like to tease my sister about being a perfectionist when I watch her cook, bake, clean or just about everything she does (which is quite a lot!) - and then she throws it right back at me (obviously not for my cooking skills!) Well, maybe it´s not perfectionism, maybe it´s more wanting to do everything right all the time and getting so disappointed with myself when I don´t measure up..?

But life coming back to me is definitely mostly about letting go and giving up, and allowing myself not to do. I think it lies in waiting. Pausing. Accepting. Always searching. And getting myself to a place where I can actually think and receive freely...

 Isn´t this the coolest picture ever?!? My favorite kids taking a 30-second pause on sunbeds before hitting the pool again!! That´s how I wanna be right now.