Can ice cream cure anything?!

I´m eating this ice cream because there is no more chocolate left in the house..... sounds familiar to anyone?!?

I´ve eaten all the chocolate that´s been laying around, then all the ice popcicles I had in the freezer (which was 2 boxes of  `Isabella´ ice pop my sister left last August... probably like 15 of them in each box), and now... I´ve started to dig into the ice cream jar.... I think about my Dad loving ice cream like no other while eating it, and for the first time in my life I understand him. 

I´ve never been a `comfort eater´ in my life. Several of my girlfriends are, some admit to being addicted to chocolate. I´ve never understood it. For me escape has more been about escaping into books, I think... or sometimes sleep.... to try to cope with things, try to forget something happened, but food has usually been left alone. I´m known for being able to have candy and chocolate and the likes stacked all over my apartment and them getting too old to eat before I get to them. I´ve never been the person that would bake just to satisfy a sweet tooth, or to end up getting the ice cream out of the freezer as a last resort.

And here I am.... eating all my chocolate, all the 30 or so vanila ice popcicles and now digging into the last ice cream jar in my freezer. Hurrah!

Grief can come in so many ways, huh? I´m asking myself if this is my way of grieving because my Dad has been gone over a year and nobody asks me anymore how I´m handling it (and I totally understand it, it´s ages ago!). I rarely talk about it, maybe just mention him and that I miss him, but never from my heart. It´s like it´s closed up. I wear my black leather band around my wrist and tell myself I´m allowed to grieve as long as I need to, but still I feel I´m suppose to be over it - or at least not go through all the sweets I can find in my house! The grief is different now, not as raw as in the beginning, but still I think about him every day and tell myself I shouldn´t blog about it any more, or people will stop reading what I write, being fed up hearing about all this grief. Will it never end? Will she write about her Dad all her life now?

I still can´t really cry and it bothers me. I have bearly balled the whole year after he died, it´s just not happening. Whether I watch a sad movie or think of him, it rarely comes tears to my eyes, and I even rarer really cry cry! I so wish I could cry more. Even though I´m doing good and my life is full of joy, it´s like there´s so much grief stocked up inside that I can´t seem to get out. And I don´t know how to unlock that door, I feel the pain or sadness and could probably locate where in my body it comes from, but I can´t get it out. 

I feel like someone should write a book about him. And I know that in my family the most likely one would be me (if not Magnar might surprise us all!). Or maybe not a book, but at least some memoirs of his amazing life, most of it hidden from public. There are so many stories to tell, so many things he said I have forgotten or no longer remember fully, just the feeling of it when he told me. But even just thinking about writing about his life makes me tired, me - that is not even able to go through picture albums of him yet or drink from 'his' coffee mug. Will I be ready to write about him in maybe ten years? But then who knows what I remember of his stories....!

I think of him when I fill gass and hear his voice in my head. I think of him always when I see a man over 50 - especially if that man is accompanied by a child.... I think of him when I see anyone work in their backyard and in general work outdoors. I think of him when I see someone dive into the ocean on TV. I think of him always when I´m surrounded by nature. Or when I see a couple dancing. And I think of him eating ice cream. Because he loved ice cream and wanted to eat it every day! "There´s nothing ice cream can´t cure!" he used to state, and we would laugh at him, especially me, that´s never been extremely fond of ice cream. Now I understand. Not the curing part. I don´t know if I feel a whole lot better now, chowing on all that ice cream today, but I understand the joy of the sweet taste, and the feeling that you would want this every day.

The bowl of ice cream is long gone, and I´m telling myself not to get the box out of the freezer again. I´m also telling myself that if this continues I can´t have stuff like chocolate and ice cream laying around in my house, like I usually always have. I´m gonna eat it all before it´s outdated!! I´m telling myself I should eat fruit instead, or raisins, or go for a long walk. And I´m telling myself that it doesn´t help. This won´t bring him back, this won´t take away the pain, eating won´t make me feel better. 

So - what does?

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I think I´m gonna call Lars and go over to his house.... I´m sure he must have some chocolate  stacked away in his kitchen somewhere....