Just because

I´m one of those that always need a reason to do something or understand why something is happening. I think the deeper issue is a need to control everything, and to prevent bad things from happening. I like to know why I´m doing what I´m doing and to be able to defend it to outsiders that might not understand. Probably because sometimes I´m insecure myself as to why I´m really doing what I´m doing. And I really want to know what´s going on in my life and why, so I can have a peace of mind that I´m on the right path. Probably because I´m sometimes insecure about being on the right path or not.

So today - Sunday August 10th - I´m really missing my Dad. And my first reaction is to wonder why and try to understand it. Nothing special happened August 10th last year, it´s not a special day or month, and it is over 1,5 years since he died.

But then it hits me that I actually don´t ever have to have a reason, or need to understand why I sometimes miss him so much that it aches in my bones. I miss him just because. Just despite. I just do.


Right now I played `Solitaire´ (Kabal) on my phone when I remembered long-time-ago-memories when we first got a computer in my early teens. One of those big grey clumsy ones that took 5 minutes to start. We had like no fun games on it, but it did have Solitaire. And I just remembered seeing my Dad sometimes at night when I came home, sitting by the computer playing. He would smile and have this look on this face, I don´t know, just kind of excited about the game, how ever dull it might be. And I just remember him being full of peace and stability and quiet strength, and I just knew that I was safe. I was home. He was there. With me and for me.

Such a tiny memory. So ordinary; him playing Solitaire on that huge old thing; him greeting me after coming home, having been out doing whatever. Such a small small ordinary, beautiful thing.

The year before he died we played a lot of Rummy. Like A LOT!! Like in periods every day! Sometimes we´d play cards or something else, but mostly Rummy. When Christina and Magnar were home they would join for the late night games, Kaleb and Lukas watching sometimes, but when they weren´t Mom, Dad and I would just go at it, and when Mom got bored, Dad and I would just continue. Sometimes for hours. Until him or I got tired. Isn´t it funny how this is one of the things I think of the most? Him and I playing Rummy! I noticed the closer he got to death how his memory would fail him, how he would get tired faster and loose all the time to me, I remember how I felt, probably realizing it was nearing the end. In my mind I would think I was doing it for him. Also... I understood later - I was doing it for us. When we no longer had words, all was said and done, when we didn´t  know how to cope or handle what was going on; we´d play to survive. It wasn´t until after his death my Mom told me how she thinks he was also doing it for me. How he sometimes would be so weak and tired, but always willing to play a game of Rummy with his daughter. For me. For us.

And all the time I thought I was doing it for him.

So today I miss him a lot. I´m crying a bit more than I´ve been able to before, and it feels good. Releasing. For no reason I cry - and just miss him. Just because.