Where is God now?

About a year and a half ago I wrote a blogpost in Norwegian about looking for God, searching for him without finding him, going through doubts and disappointment and wondering if he was even watching... or caring.... For the longest time it was as if there was this thick glass wall between him and I.... I couldn´t find him, I couldn´t feel or reach him, nothing made sense and it felt like I was all alone in the world.

I´ve kept searching...

And then a few months ago I realized that something had changed... I tried to explain it in a couple of blogposts, Bye for now Norway and Another pause, but it was hard to put into words. Maybe something like - it wasn´t like God was gone anymore... but he wasn´t close either. More like he was in the room, at times even sitting at the same long table... but just in the opposite end, and we weren´t really talking to one another. And I started to wonder if it was more about God finding me, than me looking for him..?!

Last night I was in bed thinking about the day´s event and all the things I had to plan for today when I  realized that something had changed again. Inside me or around me, I don´t know, but suddenly I was aware that he felt close again. There was no glass window between us where I could yell at the top of my lungs without being heard. It felt like he was right next to me, and inside me and with me and around me. And it hadn´t happened suddenly, probably I´ve felt it like this for a while now, but I didn´t realize it until yesterday. That he was there. That he was here.

So does this mean that he left me for a while? Or that I left him? Or that it was just my emotions and my grief saying he wasn´t there? Or like my wise advisor R told me, that feeling distance to everyone, also God, is normal after the death of a close one..?

I don´t know for sure.

I don´t know if I have to know either. 

Maybe I will see one day that he never left me, that he was actually holding me all the time, or was there, just behind my back. 

But it makes me want to know more about him, to find out more about who he is and what that means. Because when I feel him like this, that´s when I know that I can do anything in the world, that I can conquer every hardship and that my life has meaning, eternal meaning far beyond myself.