torsdag 16. april 2015

"Grief changes shape, but it never ends."

“Grief changes shape, but it never ends.”


Keanu Reeves said this in an interview in 2006.  I read it then and again today. His life was full of tragic events - his father abandoning him, his best friend (actor) River Phoenix dying of overdose, his daughter being stillborn in 8th month and then her mother dying in a car crash. Through these events he´s had a lot of chances to contemplate these profound words.

A friend of mine in his late 30´s, who lost his Mom suddenly at the age of 18, told me: "It changes, but it never really gets better!"

I´ve seen people and friends flipping out or totally closing up because of grief, for years and decades, and I´ve seen it used to bring up other issues and giving them a chance to deal with brokenness in their pasts and lives.

And then we have the everyday-grief. Huh, is there an everyday-one too? I don´t know, but I think so. What about the smaller grieves we face daily or weekly - the painful memories we just can´t forget about... the day where you took a wrong turn and it directed you in a totally different direction... becoming older.... being sick, and the things you miss out on... body changing.... kids not being babies anymore.... kids becoming adults... going through a hard time and thinking about it later, loosing your job, or not getting the one you dreamed of, feeling like you have lost a lot, even time.... childhood memories....

I´m starting to believe that grief comes in all kinds of shapes, as Keanu wisely said, that they never end, and that they are constantly part of our lives, and that it is important to allow ourselves to feel it, even if we can rationalize it. Maybe it´s just a small pause, a deep breath.... you feel the grief, no matter how small or silly it seems, and then it´s over and you move on.


I went to counseling after my Dad´s death, and I think it was a wise choice. Last November 2014, almost 2 years after his death I was still feeling heavy, like a constant cloud over my head. The counselors advised me to write him a letter, tell him everything I thought and felt, the good and the bad, and the beautiful, what I was mad about and what I loved about him, to do it without rationalizing it. I did, and spent hours writing, crying some and feeling the loss. Then I read it for my counselors and we shredded it together and I told him "goodbye" and that I couldn´t wait to see him again. I let him go.

Right after that it was as if the cloud disappeared over my head. I felt so free, so light! I realized the roughest part of my grief might finally be over. When my Dad would pop into my head after that, sometimes accompanied by a sad feeling, I would often try to push it away, being scared I would get into that heavy grief again.

But recently it´s been catching up with me, it´s like something has been bottling up. Suddenly I can´t stop thinking about him and feel sad, and now, I´ve decided to let it happen however often it needs to. Maybe it will for the rest of my life, like Keanu said. And maybe there´s a chance that I will still be all right.


Keanu never married after these events, and never had a child. He might be doing really good, though, and having a fulfilling life. Stories about him says he is known for his kindness and genuine interest in people. Grief changes you, and sometimes it changes your future. And overall I think it gives the painting of your life so much more mystery and depth that the bright colors couldn´t have done alone.

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