A journey is over

A journey that started three years ago is over. Three years since I said hello to Ina and Maria for the first time and didn't know we would become such close friends. It's been three years since I told Cathrine that my goal was to try until Christmas, and if it didn't work out, I'd quit in a heartbeat.

It's been 1,5 years since I went to South Korea, gripped with fear, to encounter the North Korean children in a foreign center I'd never heard of before. And since then I've been writing about them daily, always keeping them in the back of my mind, wondering if I would ever finish. I have postponed the due date again and again, only a few weeks ago I was certain I would not finish, maybe ever. Isn't it funny, through all the ups and downs, and the many times decisions to give up, that it all comes together on a Sunday afternoon the day before I turn it in?

This master thesis has led me to different corners of the world, from Norway to Hawaii and setting roots there, and help start a ministry for the first time. It led me to South Korea and then to China and North Korea... To an orphanage and defector center in Seoul... And to my surprise it led me to the inner most parts of my own heart, confronting my past, facing my wounds and memories only my body remembers. I never knew that I in many ways was just like those children and that something deep inside me would identify with them, we - orphans, alone for long periods of time, deserting our own country in hope of a better future.

My therapist said to me this winter, over a year after I started researching and writing about these orphans: "Do you know what you are doing? Since the beginning of this I haven't been able to understand why you, with your past, would choose this as a thesis. Talk about jumping into your main fear with both legs at the same time!" Not until now, half a year later I start to understand what she meant, and how this has affected me, and how much it has cost me.

In some ways I wish my master would be a novel, and not a thesis, so I could share all my experiences without worrying about the proper language or if I have material to back up all I write. I wish I could have told everything just from my heart and not have to focus on religious theory, previous research, history and so forth. But in this I have learnt in a different way, things I would never have if I wrote a book.


I know it is just a master thesis. So many have done it before me, and many so much better. It's not that big of a deal. But for some reason to me it is. It marks something in my life, it changed me and challenged me in ways I had not experienced before.


Being a girl that is not that into chick flicks I feel high on life right now. I don't care if there are 100 cliches in this blogpost! I feel victorious, almost like I can climb any mountain or do whatever I want!

But... when it all comes down to it.... I did not do any of this alone. Besides family and friends it is mainly because of Jesus all things became possible. Waiting on him and allowing him to lead me in new ways - because of that, I could do all things. He has been there the whole time. From the beginning, grieving over my Dad...  opening doors for me to continue the studies when I thought it was impossible to continue; whether it was invitation to another country, finances or sending specific people my way... The day I told Him my frustrations not knowing what to research and write about, I met Jimmy Chae in the lunch line, the man that led me to the orphanage in Seoul. On the plane down to visit them, alone and scared, He seated an 'angel' next to me, with money, directions and encouragement. He was there, even when I didn't feel Him or questioned if I was really doing the right thing.

If anything, my picture of God has become so much bigger on this journey. He will not be contained in a box, he knows my inner being in a way I can never understand. And resting in this, trusting him more than I trust myself, even though everything around may dictate differently and I don't understand what is going on, he has lead me faithfully through my writing, through the doors to my soul, through healing and to see a bigger picture of Him and who I am in Him.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

• Thank you, Kari Storstein Haug, for steadfast council and Skype conversations in three countries; Norway, the United States (Hawaii) and South Korea. I am especially grateful for your ability to see the bigger picture, understanding my assignment, and for all the valuable knowledge and insight you contributed to my writing. You went above and beyond.

• To Ina and Maria, my friends who I met through this master program - thanks for sharing this experience with me, for all your help, notes and updates in the beginning stages when I was abroad, and for discussing my material with me towards the end. I have learnt so much from you.

• To my amazing family and friends, for encouragement, prayers, pep talks and a shoulder to cry on when finishing seemed far away. A special thanks to my sister Christina, and Cathrine, my close friend - without you this would not have been possible.

• To the children in Durihana - De, Kang-dae, Kong, Kyung-mi, Jia and Kaia - thank you for sharing your lives with me and trusting me with your stories. I can only hope I do them justice in this master thesis. I will never forget you.

• To Janet and the other teachers and volunteers in Durihana - you made my research so much better. Thank you for allowing me into your lives and work space and for helping me with everything I needed. I hope I will see you again soon.

• To the leaders of Durihana - pastor Chang and Samonim, for sacrificing your lives for a people in a closed country and for continuing to help as many North Koreans as you can. This is only a humble attempt for a Western mind to try to grasp what you do and how, and if possible provide an objective, contrasting voice on the religious and cultural aspects of it. I know I could never fully understand who you are, what you do and what you have sacrificed. This is my analysis alone.

Sandnes, Norway, 20.05.2015

Renate Solberg